The Ur-Quan Masters Discussion Forum

can anyone draw a pickle that looks like a kzer-za for me or make a kzer-za out of pickles  :D

Or for those really daring, pickle a Kzer-Za ;D

LMAO  :D

mmmmmmmmm

pickled kzer-za

A cloaked Ur-Quan Drone, which scouted ahead for harmful civilizations, has just relayed your messages to an armada of Dreadnoughts, who would, under normal circumstances, ignore this backward little world full of little Crazy Weasels and Yompin Yiminy. However, these insults to their nature were so insanely evil, and revealed such a hideous, warmongering nature, that it made them not only very angry at us, but also very determined to eradicate this evil before it could spread through Hyperspace. Their armada has just changed course to Earth and will reach the outskirts of our solar system in less than 1 month.

How are you going to solve this problem?

Lets have a BAKE SALE, I'll bring cake  8)

Btw, I would just like to mention that i contacted my orz and shofixti friends, not only will they bring the cupcakes but they also will defend earth! They contacted the Utwig, Supox, and the Pkunk to help us. Smooth sailing from here  :D

Yeah? You haven't heard all yet!

Twenty Dancing Bushes had gathered around a black stone tablet. They looked up into the sky, and witnessed how twenty thousand big black meteors entered the atmosphere of their planet, flyings as fiery meteors along the horizon, and then, as if by magic... they ascended and disappeared, back into the blackness of space.

These are the Kohr-Ah, the half-brothers and eternal enemies of the Kzer-Za. They had intercepted a message from their evil twins, about a new evil that had arissen. Something, that could even surpass the destructive power of the Dnyarri, if it were granted the time to grow and blossom. They laughed at the feeble worries of their brothers, they were not impressed by the sight of a couple of Dancing Weasels uttering meaningless insults at their green brothers. However, these were the first words they had heard from their kin for thousands of year and they were thrilled that they were so close.

They aborted the destruction of the world of the Dancing Bushes and plotted a course to Earth. They planned to fight their ultimate battle with their brothers. And Earth? That backward little planet would be vaporized, like all the other planets in that system, when the full force of their weaponry would be unleashed in that small solar system.

Now you are in a fine pickle !

Not until Earth found a Precursor Assault carrier  on Sirus that launchs out fighters the size of the sa-matra.  And then ummmm the precursors helps earth with a giant crystal bomb thing. Shofixti now how Giant crystal bombs on their ships hmmm?

What... Humans in an Precursor Assault Carrier! Such a horrible threat unleashes the fury within every sentient in the galaxy. Millions of civilizations throughout the Milky Way are mobilizing their armada's and they are coming in great numbers which we don't count in the millions, or even billions, but in the trillions.

Only problem is, it will get somewhat crowded in the Sol system once they arrive there.

Sol was already torched by the Crystal Planet. Why does the entire galaxy want to fight for the place now?

What is a Crystal Planet ?

Earth trys to duplicate the Precursor assault carrier, their alliance is glad to provide the resources. Earth churns out 15 more Assault carriers and does a pre-emptive strike against the Ur-Quans temporary Alliance, exterminating 100 of the enemy races fleets (each fleet numbers 5000 ships) With turbo boosters on the Precursor Assault carriers, it travels rather fast, also it launchs mini Sa-Matras and Heavy combat fighters. Its attack range is 100 times that of the Sa-Matra. Earth forces the remaining sentience in their galaxy (Only our galaxy nothing further) into a giant defensive allaince. The Alliance starts to build huge defences around the galaxy amassing large amounts of resources to make sure every planet that can be habitable has a laser fort on it. Earth builds 1 Assault Carrier for each of its alliance races to defend themself with. Earths P.A.C's  (Precursor assault carriers) number in the hundreds, each capable of destroying millions of ships.

"What is a Crystal Planet?"

Imagine if the Sa-Matra was an enormous globe that could force suns to waft star stuff onto orbiting planets, and instead of a metal crust, it had an intense thermo-magnetic defense system. And instead of needing an Utwig Bomb to destroy it, you needed a black, egg-shaped bomb, that was powerful enough to destory an entire planet. And instead of some caterpillars who don't like sentients, this Crystal Planet was under the control of silicon based lifeforms who's very bodies harbored enough energy to propel a ship at super-photonic speeds, and these crystalline sentients planned on killing all carbon-based life in the entire galaxy.

Are you beginning to get the picture, now!? :o

It sounds exactly like a reversed story, where you are playing for the Mycon, instead of for the Chmmr.

The outcome will however be exactly the same.

You rrule the galaxy, masster.

That Crystal Planet sounds pretty eevil, Deus_Siddis, but my masster has more powerr than you.

"That Crystal Planet sounds pretty eevil, Deus_Siddis, but my masster has more powerr than you."

Good to hear. Fortunately for the Crystal Planet though, I don't own it and it is not part of my "power".  Now bow before your true masters, the Ancients, and perhaps you shall feel the release of their death grip (figuratively speaking of course, quartz doesn't have hands) from your fleshy water-sack body.

By the way, how the did we get on this topic in the first place?

Feeble words, in the face of such overwhelming forces. The Ancients are history, the humans rule the galaxy now, from here to there, and from now till forever. They are the new massters.

"By the way, how the did we get on this topic in the first place? "

Because you mentioned the Crystal Planet.

Uhhh Deus way to go off topic with our WAR OF THE WORLDS story here.  :(

What are your orderss masster ? Shall I destrroy this insolent rebel and crush all who sside with him ? Shall I shatter this insignificant Crysstal World, and scatterr its ashes to all cornerss of the galaxy ?

3000 of Earths P.A.Cs (Precursor Assault Carriers) converge on the Crystal race. The cocky evil crystals were incinerated before they knew who was attacking them. The humans converged on their homeworld and spared the lives of the inhabitents by forcing them to be the earthlings servents and to only have a fleet amount of 1000 ships. As we speak im being served a Margarita from my crystal slave Tzak- pzk.

"Feeble words, in the face of such overwhelming forces. The Ancients are history, the humans rule the galaxy now, from here to there, and from now till forever. They are the new massters."

But so strong are your words. Funny that they could come from a creature so craven and so swift in its surrender and subsequent enslavement.

And why all the "s" in your lines? Art thou one who speaketh with forked tongue, a foul and ruthless Thrynn?


"Shall I shatter this insignificant Crysstal World, and scatterr its ashes to all cornerss of the galaxy?"

Withhold not your fury. Release all that you have and all that you be upon the mighty sphere. No hindrance shall I be to your goal, for I needn't defend what cannot be broken.


"As we speak im being served a Margarita from my crystal slave Tzak- pzk."

Funny, I thought the Ancients were telepaths who did not use words of the tongue in likeness to "Tzak-pzk". Mayhap you conquered the wrong crystal race?

Instead of filling your precursor ship with crystalline silicon, you should bring the eggcase to the crystal planet.

"Masster, deus_siddis has escaped the desstruction and speakss with a rebel tongue. He is blissfully unaware that his Crysstal World is sshatted. I will take care of him perssonally."

A singe Dreadnought, more would be a waste, approaches the tiny escape vessel that contains The Rebel.

"Thou has esscapeth desstruction before, but thou will perish thiss time!"

The Dreadnought fires a bolt of superheated plasma which engulfes the escape vessel. Not a trace is left, this time there was no escape for deus_siddis.

"May his soul resst in peace."

The superheated plasma gives electricity to my crystalline silicon.

Thank you for supplying me with electricity.

"I am sorry to have hit you, ssir, you didn't show up on my scannerss. And it is my pleasure, ssir, that is a well-known sside-effect of the UQ weapon."

No body panic. . .I'm Okay (cough). Just some minor internal bleeding and tissue liquification. What doesn't kill ya' makes ya' stronger (cough). Alrighty boys, let 'em have it!

Class 8 laser hit.
Class 8 laser hit.
Class 8 laser hit.
Plasma Bolt hit.
Shields Down.

Hmm, it seems your dusty precursor bark has not stood the test of time as well you may have believed (cough). Perhaps a surrender request is in order?

"Each time I kill him, he reincarnatess back into something sstronger! He iss eternal, he has powerss beyond comprehenssion.  Flee! Flee for your livess!"

He disappears into the disstance in a fighter-vessel that has miraculoussly survived the onslaught, and iss never heard of again...

Death_999 logs into the Kohr-Ah database
RECLASSIFY: Earth
WAS: Threat
CHANGE_TO: Filth, Delusional

Deus was handed over to the Ilwrath and executed by their terms.

Earth amassing all the resources in the galaxy builds their fleet of P.A.C's to a stunning number of 4 million and converges on the kohr-ah planet. The kohr-ah never seeing anything like this before are quick to sue for peace before a shot was fired. The humans being a merciful mighty race allowed the kohr-ah to dictate their own terms in surrender, but the humans vowed any hostilites against any species would be payed back to the kohr-ah in their own blood (which i mind you is purple, tastes like grape soda, and is very sticky).

I am offering you 100 credits to tell me more details about this.

Deus was shortly captured after the Ur-Quan Dreadnaught did not suceed in killing him. He was then send to the Ilwrath, where they ripped open he rib cage while he was still alive and started to remove non-vital organs. Then they cut off all his his digits and entertained themselves by fitting them into his orifices. Soon after hes blood was spilled all over the Ilwraths religous alter. Soon after they feasted upon his mangled flesh and fed the unknown bits and pieces to their housepets. Ignore any messages from Deus from now on, for it is most certinaly an Umgah. I saw Deus with my own eyes be devoured from my vid screen and it was rather quiet fun to watch  :D.

Excellent news, I had signed one of those chryo-corpse contracts before my death. After I was executed, my head was put in a freeze pod (like the ones that are used to store the 50 year old TV diners they still sell at the super market). I was supposed to be kept frozen until the future and so once the scientists realized that this already was the future (with aliens and spaceships and such), they immediately took me out of deep freeze and restored my head to consciousness, inside of a giant combat robot. Now I can go back to conquering the galaxy as soon as I've downloaded all of the recent security updates for my new body's OS.

No, they fed your head to the cheif IIwrath pirest. He ate your head like a bowl of cereal. You are devoured, nothing more. Now get off the hyperwave 'caster you dirty Umgah.

I think he has 2 heads, it surely sounds like him.
I wonder which one remains, his left head, or his right head.

This was really worth my virtual money, I will even give you a bonus. You receive 150 credits.

"I think he has 2 heads,"

I can say from experience, that two heads really are better than one.


"I wonder which one remains, his left head, or his right head."

Half of each. Sadly it was the same half on both heads. So much for symmetry.


"This was really worth my virtual money, I will even give you a bonus. You receive 150 credits."

I will pay 1000 virtual credits to get 100 pounds of gold in real life.

Ugggh i am repulsed by you vile blobby!

I am more machine now, than blobby. Twisted and Evil.

Obviously you are a poorly built machine, because I see an extentsion cord coming from your body, plugged into a wall outlet!

(Pulls plug)  ;D ;D ;D

Actually no, I recently upgraded my bot with the new Macrosoft Wireless Battlemech Adapter. I believe the cord you pulled was to your ship's reactor coolant regulator. It's a pity you didn't install an escape pod, it would have been quite useful in the coming seconds.

Havn't you ever heard about repluging it in. Also MARCOSOFT is a lame version of Mircosoft and it has security holes all over it, I hired a hacker for a buck to activate your self destruct circutry.

"Havn't you ever heard about repluging it in."

You can do that if it makes you feel a little better, but before coolant levels can be stabilized, you'll have a warp core breach. Jesus, don't you ever watch star trek?

We jettison the warp core, and then magically someone comes along and helps us.

You, however, are doomed. Soon, your vision will be blurred by the blue screen of death, brought to you by microvision, another brand of macrosoft (this particular company was destroyed by us and all its products were removed from stores. But apparently someone had managed to sell one more copy to you) !

"this particular company was destroyed by us and all its products were removed from stores."

Macrosoft cannot *destroyed*. Macrosoft are not *bubbles*, Macrosoft are just Macrosoft.

Whatever, you shall be destroyed now (sends word to send all of Earths P.A.C's to kill Deus). Since you are eating Nachos on your coutch and watching "Frungy the Sport of Kings" I see your neighborhood on the moon will be evaporated. They are hovering over your house now, surrender and we will be very merciful. We will not kill  you , only the ones reponsable for the descion making. Specifically you!!!!

P.S: If you gimme your nachos i won't kill you  ;D

Okay, alright, I surrender. Here's your nachos.

(Jiggly eats the nachos.)

Oh, I probably should have mentioned this before, but those nachos were topped with vuxian death slugs (I can't afford escargot). While they're not very harmful to the internal organs of a cyborg, I'm affraid I can't say the same for your more biological constitution. But fear not, for your death shall not be in vain -- I will sell your remains to the druuge. As an environmentalist, I have always believed strongly in recycling. ;)

What are nachos btw.  ???

The ultimate junk food, equal proportions of chips and cheese, broiled until all the saturated fats come boiling up to the surface. They are even worse for your health when topped with vuxian death slugs.

This is NACHOS (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Not_Another_Completely_Heuristic_Operating_System).

As soon as I saw the slugs, I threw the tWiStEd Nachos away and went to Taco Bell and ordered and ordered the Grande Nachos. Also your new job is to be my mailman(Of Doom)

Saw them? Vuxian death slugs look just like melted cheese, once cooked.

Yes, i smelled it and I saw a eye stalk of one of the slugs. Anyway your payroll for Mailman (of Doom) is 10.45 American dollars an hour, you start Tuesday. If you fail to show up to work I shall go to your house and evaporate you.

Is that in adjusted dollars since 2005, or am I getting minimum wage?

If you were a regular mailman you would get minimum wage but since you are a mailman (of Doom) you get $10.45 an hour.

"equal proportions of chips and cheese, broiled until all the saturated fats come boiling up to the surface."
So those are nachos  :P

Send him to the end of the universe to deliver the big-end-of-everything bomb.

(http://gallery.jedi.org/albums/ll_20040828_urbana_sweet_corn_festival/img_0251.sized.jpg[img])

Nachos: Taste better than they look...

Those aren't nachos! That's cheese wiz on corn flakes.


"Send him to the end of the universe,"

Which end, the front or the back?


"to deliver the big-end-of-everything bomb."

Impossible, the credits are always at the end of everything.

Your my mailman (of Doom) go deliver this bomb, errr..... I mean package, to the Druuge Captain Maad. He cheated me on my dvd purchuse of "Pootie Tang" and put a "AOL free 30 day Free Trial" internet disk in the dvd case. DO NOT OPEN THE PACKAGE!!!! If you are wondering its a very "angry letter" that he is going to recieve. The box is very heavy, has a letter in it, and a bom.... errrr...... fuzzy stuffed animals in it. DO NOT OPEN!

BTW, those are ballpark nachos. Those fuckers didn't serve anything but peppers,cheese, and chips.

Damn, I just spilled some nacho-wiz on the package and it went off in a fireball. I can't believe they make stuffed animals so dangerous in the future. My 'mech's in the shop for a couple days. Kind of makes me wonder what's in that nacho cheese topping. ???

Heres another "package" don't screw this one up!

I support Deus_Siddis' cause by offering a lifetime supply of Nachos, specially made for him in two half-sized portions. They are fried in machine oil.

No Vuxian Death Slugs? Oh well, I guess you can't always get good toppings.

BTW, some mid level druuge manager says that there is an acceptance fee for the package. You will have to pay 1000 crew for them to allow your "gift" to be delivered. I've only got 17 crew here at the moment, though they've been hitting the nachos sort of hard and are probably worth 50 crew in bio-mass, at this point.

Tell the Druuge that in my recent plundering of the Mycon race, I found some Deep Children Egg cases. I will give them 2 for the delivering of the package. And no, I do not want 2 shiny mauler starships for the egg cases. Just use them for shipping fee.

im back from my vacation, and YOU STILL havn't told them. This is coming out of your pay DEUS you lazy son of a *****!