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NECRO-99
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An amusing thought...
« on: October 08, 2003, 12:27:30 am »

Sitting in Perkins with my girlfriend a week ago, we were constantly being bugged by a little brat sitting next to us. It was in perpetual motion; up the table, down the table, across the chairs, around the room, etc. The mother was trying, albeit not hard, to stop the child from doing such antics. Once the mother DID manage to get it sat down, it began coloring on the table with it's green crayon.
I sat back for a moment, reconsidering if I really do want to have children, when the thought struck me.

What will the Hierarchy races do when the war is won?

My thoughts landed on the child, and what came into my head as a scene made me burst out in laughter.

"You will obey my commands, or you...will...be...punished!" Says Ur-Quan Lord 416 as he picks up yet another child causing problems and sends it flying across the room. The Doctrinal Daycare the Ur-Quan set up on Earth hadn't fared well, and the Ur-Quan weren't sure why. It was dicipline the parents wanted, it was dicipline the Ur-Quan would dish out. A loud scream spits the air as little Tommy tears off little Suzy's Barbie doll's head. 416 is instantly on top of both, seizing them in his merciless tendrils.
"What is the problem here?" He asks demandingly.
"TOMMY RIPPED OFF MY BARBIES HEAD!!!! WAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" screams Suzy. 416, thoroughly annoyed by this, proceeds to take little Tommy's head of as recompence for Suzy.
"Have you learned your lesson now, renegade human?" The decapitated corpse of Tommy doesn't respond.
"Arrogant Human!" 416 says heatedly, "You will pay for your impudence!" and proceeds then to dismember the headless torso, drenching little Suzy in blood and random viscera. She screams.
"SILENCE!!!" 416 lifts Suzy off the ground and brings her right to his multiple eyes. "You will not shirek unless told to do so by me. Now, go bathe yourself and join the rest of your kind in the play-pen." She runs off in tears and blood to clean up. Once all the children have been assembled in the play-pen, Lord 416 presses a button at his desk, which he lovingly refers to as his Command Console, and a dark, blood-red shield covers the play-pen, cutting off all sound, leaving the screaming hellions to their own mechanations. He sighs, and wishes that he could just order around the mature versions of these hominids, although some seemed like children anyway...he relaxes at his Console, turns on this thing Earthlings call "T.V.", and watches the Frungy Championships going on in Wembley Stadium. The TimPok Chargers vs. the ZogHut Bouncers.
. o (Those damn TimPok), he thinks,  . o (they've always been underhanded in their play style. Makes one wonder if they're cheating. Well, if it wasn't for them, my favorite team, the RupGaf Warblers would've made it to the playoffs...)

Time passes...

The front door opens, and a woman comes in.
"You have come to collect your designated child-unit?" 416 asks.
"Er...yes..." the woman looks a bit nervous. "Tommy is his name."
"I decapitated and dismemebered him today. He assaulted a female of your species and sucessfully annihilated her leisure device." The woman drops her jaw in shock.
"You....you what?" she stutters.
"Are you deaf, human?" 416 begins to get angered, "I KILLED HIM for assaulting a female of your species."
"You monster!" The woman screams. "I'm reporting this to the police and to the Human Services Board!" As she opens the door to leave, 416 extends a tendril, closing the door. She turns around to look and sees him, inches away from her face.
"You will do no such thing, woman, lest I do to you the same as your child-unit."
"Try it!" She shouts and opens the door. 416 promptly ensnares her, twists the top of her trunk off, and throws both halves out the door. A father, coming in to get his daughter, sees this and gets back in the car, speeding off.
"Blast..."416 mutters, "And I was down to only 10 Human Service Violations a month..."
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Deep-Jiffa
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Re: An amusing thought...
« Reply #1 on: October 08, 2003, 03:59:24 am »

Dude, you are sick! What kind of twisted mind would come to this "amusing" thought? :-/ :-/ :-/
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Re: An amusing thought...
« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2003, 09:37:26 am »

Jiffa, if you were there when this kid was rampaging, you'd have WANTED Lord 416 to dismember him. Tongue Either that, or Death 416.  Grin
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Re: An amusing thought...
« Reply #3 on: October 08, 2003, 06:32:09 pm »

Oh yea, I sometimes wish it will happen to children like that, but I only WISH, I don't describe it to other people with great details...  Grin
« Last Edit: October 08, 2003, 06:39:18 pm by Deep_Jiffa » Logged

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Re: An amusing thought...
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2003, 07:03:59 pm »

I'd rather have Lord 416 running a daycare than Death 416, any day. It is an amusing, though slightly deranged idea. Then again I'm not one to put others down for having oddball ideas, so me calling it deranged is far from an insult.

Deep_Jiffa: Describing an idea in detail is still just an idea. At least until it's put into action.
« Last Edit: October 08, 2003, 07:05:22 pm by sageallen » Logged
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Re: An amusing thought...
« Reply #5 on: October 08, 2003, 08:50:48 pm »

The hierarchy races are ensuring that noone will ever sunjugate the Ur-Quan. And being the masters, i do not believe that the Ur-Quan will ever serve other beings in a kindergarten. Especially not a slaves kindergarten. They are too much hunters to sit around and raise others people.

And they are happy to leave their slave alone and let them do all the administrative work to keep their society going, that's what the Shield is for. The human race (as example) is shielded, they can do everything they want, as long as they stay on Earth and are not flying around in space. The slave are not allowed to have contact to other slaveraces (if shielded) except for the Starbase whose purpose it is to support hierarchy fleets (either battlethralls or the Masters themselves).

I do think it rather unlikely that the Ur-Quan will ever stop on their path of dominion, especially because the UQs know that intelligent life can devolop anywhere anytime.
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Re: An amusing thought...
« Reply #6 on: October 08, 2003, 09:30:49 pm »

Krulle, if you follow UQM to it's end, The Eternal Doctrines are both destroyed with the destruction of the Sa-Matra, and the Hierarchy is defeated. The slavemasters fall, the slaves go free. With their defeat, as in any war, they must comply with the guidelines set down by the victor, us. The rest of the Hierarchial remnants would probably join as well a la *cough*sc3*cough* but it would more than likely remain a decision left to them. But I believe that the Ur-Quan, in defeat, would have to submit to Alliance rules.

But besides all that, wouldn't it be funny to see a Kzer-Za running a daycare? I'm trying to think up other strange jobs for former Hierarchy members, too. What would they do?
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Re: An amusing thought...
« Reply #7 on: October 08, 2003, 10:13:39 pm »

I don't know about 'successful' for the Umgah...

"What? Nose go on face? Not leg? HAR! HAR! HAR! Oopsie!"
"Wakey wakey human, we did good on you! Now look around. Yes! AROUND! We put six more eyes in head, to make it easier looking around. What? You don't want six eyes? Ok, we add more."
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Re: An amusing thought...
« Reply #8 on: October 08, 2003, 10:24:17 pm »

Welcome to the Umgah Amusement Park!

HAR HAR HAR!
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Re: An amusing thought...
« Reply #9 on: October 08, 2003, 11:42:15 pm »

Here's my attempt.

The kids sat in the large auditorium praying that maybe this time the earth would actually open up and swallow them whole before the program started. Everytime they were gathered into the auditorium, it was always something totally lame, like the tap-dancing Yehat, the Druuge ballerina, or the Juggling Spathi. Well, okay, the Juggling Spathi was pretty good. He seemed so scared of the balls hitting him that he ran off the stage screaming at least three or four times. Still it would have been better if he had actually gone through with the flaming bowling pins.

Unfortunately, the kids already knew that this time they were getting a "motivational speaker." They had all rolled their eyes when they first heard. Motivational speakers were notorious for espousing dumb platitudes like "Go for it!" and "Keep on trying!" as if they actually meant something. So it was with no small amount of trepidation that they watched the principal come on stage.

"Hi, kids!" began the principal. "As you've probably heard, we will be hearing from a motivational speaker today." A collective sigh went through the students. They had hoped that perhaps they had all been collectively misinformed. Maybe it had been another mean joke from the administration like the rumor they started about joint Syreen-Human classes. But no, this was no joke. The students shifted in their seats, trying to find which position would allow them to sleep most comfortably.

"Anyway," continued the principal, ignoring the students' sigh with a reminder to himself of how many more years until retirement, "he's come a long way, at least I think it's a he, and I think you can all benefit from what he has to say. Please give a warm welcome to Floos."

Scattered applause could be heard throughout the auditorium. Well, it might not have been applause. It could have been the students trying to recline in their seats, or the rain on the roof, but something resembling applause was heard as a Mycon in a heated body suit came on stage.

"I am Floos. I am the motivational speaker. I died in the cold vacuum of space 300 years ago. I have chosen my instructions to you carefully from my set of remembrances.

"You are Children now. But you are not Deep Children. You are not part of Juffo-Wup. Soon you will cease to even be Children. But first I will imprint my memories onto you.

"`...the signal needs more strength...'

"You are chaotic. Your genetic culture is primtive. I am of my parents' parents' parents' parents' parents' parents. I am them. They are me.

"Your world is good. It's air is pure and sweet. This is good. Abundant life covers its surface. This is good. The sun gently warms the surface. This is also good. Juffo-Wup should be spread here. I must leave. You are Non. But you can be Voided."

With that Floos walked off the stage. This time there was no applause, just the sounds of gentle snoring.
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Re: An amusing thought...
« Reply #10 on: October 09, 2003, 12:13:02 am »

Driving along, a hovercar is broadsided by some VUX meanies, careens off the road, and crashes into a tree. Still pilotable, the driver takes it to the nearest garage..."Dthunk's Smashr-Fixxr-Uppr". Not particularily caring about spelling skills, the human brings the car into the garage. He is, however, taken aback when a 7' tall, grey skinned, built-like-a-tank Thraddash stepping out to meet him. It's nametag says Dthunk.

"Oh, 'ave yew got a good one 'dere!" Dthunk says, giving his cigar a thoughtful pull.
"Yea," the guy replies, "Can you do anything for it?" The Thraddash thinks a moment, scratches his leathery chin, then blows the smoke out.
"Well, you did yerself a nice one, I dunno if we can help it any..." Dthunk seems like there isn't much help for this wreck.
"I'll pay 50% more than usual!" The man says stoutly.
"Well, in dat case, lemme git da boys." Dthunk dissapears. As the man waits patiently, he hears Dthunk telling the boys to "come lookit dis!" He emerges, along with 3 other Thraddash, nametags saying Gralf, Bgirn and Thokk.
"Ho-lee Draconis!" Bgirn exclaims, "How're we suppose'ta do anythin' to this?"
"De man 'ere iz payin' extrah for our services, Bgirn." Dthunk says.
"Well, in dat case..." Thokk says. The man smiles.
"Youse can go inna waitin' room if yeh wants'ta." All four Thraddash head back into the back room of the garage, and the man walks into the waiting room. He sits back, and grabs a copy of the Alliance Times. Wow! A Frungy shocker! The TimPok Chargers were found cheating and banned from the National Frungy League! Apparently, they were eating fungal rocky clingers before the game started, giving them an illegal advantage.
"I knew it!" the man says to himself, "they were way too fast on the field." Suddenly, a huge crashing noise is heard from inside the garage. The man looks into the garage to see the four Thraddash systematically pounding the hell out of his car with sledgehammers, rocks, and whatever other blunt instrument is readily available. He runs out to get them, just as Gralf is firing up a blowtorch.
"What the hell are you doing??!" the man asks in suprise.
"Well, we didn' tink dere would be much else we could do ta it, but we figured dat the blowtorch might add a few nice lookin' burn marks, and the rock adds some edges to the dents..."
"I wanted you to FIX MY CAR!" The man shouts, "not WRECK IT! Doesn't your sign say "Smasher Fixer Uppper?""
"Yep!" Dthunk says proudly.
"Well then why are you smashing my car instead of fixing it?"
"We are fixing it up," Thokk says calmly, "we're makin' it look presentatable when youse go drivin'!"
"Dat, and we hurd dat stuff on Earth gos better when deys got dents inn'em. We watch lotsa golf, and man, can dem guys smack dat ting a long way!" Bigrn adds with a smile.
"I can't believe this..." the man says in shock..."I'm getting the police!" and storms out.
"Now wat's wrong wit 'im?" Thokk asks.
"Dunno," Dthunk says, "but dese humans are a hard bunch ta understand."
« Last Edit: October 09, 2003, 12:13:37 am by NECRO-99 » Logged

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Re: An amusing thought...
« Reply #11 on: October 09, 2003, 04:31:51 am »

Customer support service: "Customer support service, how may I help you?"
Customer support service: "Yes, that's possible, but you need to pick up a copy of it at the office."
Customer support service: "You can't go to the office, and why is that?"
Customer support service: "Because you are afraid something might be lurking at the door or jump from the roof?"
Customer support service: "Sir, I'm sure there's no evil waiting for you to come out. Rest assured that it has all been locked away."
Customer support service: "Yes sir, I'm sure it's in a secured area."
Customer support service: "and Yes sir, they have thrown the key away."
Customer support service: "I'm sure they won't let any relatives with files visit it sir."
Customer support service: "No sir, I'm sure the relatives aren't 'out there' to eat you."

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Re: An amusing thought...
« Reply #12 on: October 09, 2003, 08:55:42 pm »

A man walk into the Dentist, and sits down in the chair.

- Please be sure to give me plenty of painkillers, I'm very sensitive.

An Ilwrath comes clicking out of the shadows.

-Welcome Puny Hu-Man! Dogar And Kazon Click Theri Mandibles In Anticipation Of The Coming Carnage!

- Um yeah, right. But seriously, I'm like hypersensitive, I can't stand the thought of pain.

- How Fortunate! The Dark Duo Will Be Pleased To Hear Your Screams Of Agony Hu-Man! We Shall Celebrate The Joyous Occasion Of Your Agony With A Feast! We Shall Bet On How Many Teeth We Can Extract Before You Stop Screaming! Your Symphony Of Agony Will Soothe Our Beings, And Your Puny Weak Frame Will Shake And Shiver With the Delicious Pain!

- What? Now listen here, I'm a citizen of The EMpire of Lukipela! I Know my rights! I DEMAND That you give me something to take my mind off the pain in my mouth! Otherwise I will dmaned well sue you!

- Sigh. Very Well Hu-Man. If You Insist, We Will Forgo This Glorious Occasion. However, The Gods Must Be Pleased. Fortunately, We Have a Perfect Solution For This Dilemma Hu-Man. We Have Just The Thing To Take Your Mind Of The Pain In Your Mouth.. If You Insist On Defiling What Would Otherwise Be A Glorious Event Of Carnage And Destruction?

- Damn well I do!

-Very Well Then... Sister Zoggak, If You Will Please Wheel In The Device?

- What is this thing anyway? Do you really have to connect it to the head like this?

- It Is A Modified Version Of a Little Something Our Kohr-Ah Friends Bestowed Upon Us after Their Defeat... An EXCRUCIATOR! I Gurantee You Hu-Man, You Will be Far Too Busy Screaming To Think About How Your Mouth Feels!! Let The Ceremony Begin!!!

-AAAARGHAGAARGHARRAJAGHAAARGH!!!
« Last Edit: October 09, 2003, 08:56:08 pm by Lukipela » Logged

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Re: An amusing thought...
« Reply #13 on: October 09, 2003, 09:27:46 pm »

As I am reading the Ilwrath lines in your post, Luki, I find myself imagining, even reciting, how it would sound to hear an Ilwrath say that. It is really tiresome trying to speak lines for an Ilwrath. Since They Do This For Every Word, It's Like They're Screaming At You, Hu-Man.
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Re: An amusing thought...
« Reply #14 on: October 09, 2003, 09:49:46 pm »

Quote
Krulle, if you follow UQM to it's end, The Eternal Doctrines are both destroyed with the destruction of the Sa-Matra, and the Hierarchy is defeated.
Seeing the history and why the Ur-Quans went on their paths i do not believe their primary goal has changed. It was and will be the ensurance of the safety of all Ur-Quans against any non Ur-Quan thread. Their path to achieve this may have changed. They might go on a path of bilateral exchange of information, but still they will stand together and do whatever is necessary for their own safety. Since they cannot continue their doctrinal paths, they have to search for a new path of peaceful coexistance (like the one they walked on in the Sentient Milieu). Still they will make sure that all possible threads will be annihilated (that's also the reason why they come along to the Crux-quadrant in SC3, although SC3 is still not canon for me). IF some member of the Concordance of Alien Nations finds a thread, the Ur-Quan will still do everything to stop the thread (at first diplomatic tries to convince others to help them in the council of the CAN, if that fails, they do it by force, just like USA/Iraq).
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